188. Animus Wrangling 101: Why Healing Father Wounds Beats Any Self-Improvement Plan

188. Animus Wrangling 101: Why Healing Father Wounds Beats Any Self-Improvement Plan

If you’ve ever felt like your inner critic was less of a coach and more of a tyrant… you’re not alone. Episode 188 of the Embodied Writing Warrior podcast dives deep into the transformational world of Animus Work—a Jungian framework that explores the masculine side of a woman’s psyche.

In this episode, Kayla explores:

• What the Animus is (and how it shows up as burnout, perfectionism, and overachievement)

• How she transformed her own negative inner masculine into Rex and Haven, two fictionalized archetypes who now guide her inner world with structure, praise, and love

• The deeper meaning behind “Divine Daddies”—why the name matters, and how it reflects a radical reclamation of love, discipline, and erotic safety

• The role of dreamwork, storytelling, and fantasy in healing father wounds and creating sustainable success

• Why your inner masculine isn’t meant to punish you into progress—but to hold, protect, and build you toward your desires

Featuring quotes from Jungian coach Rory Matthews, real dream interpretations, and some delicious Divine Daddies banter.

Links & Resources

Applied Jung article on the Negative Animus
Rory Matthews (Animus Coach + Existential Kink)
128. High Performing, Goal-Oriented Women: This Is The Most Important Shadow Work You Can Possibly Do
Book Your Call To Adventure

Embodied Activation: Rewriting Your Inner Masculine

You didn’t just listen to a podcast.
You stepped into a portal.
And now? Here’s your embodied activation to take this work deeper:

Pause + Breathe

Place one hand on your heart, one on your low belly.
Take 3 slow breaths.
Feel into the space between your desire to go harder…
and your craving to be held.

Reflect

Ask yourself:

• What does my inner critic sound like on a daily basis?

• Does he motivate me with love… or with fear?

• When was the last time I praised myself for trying?

Don’t overthink—just feel. Let the answers rise.

Prompt:

“If I could rewrite the voice in my head to sound like a loving Daddy, what would he say to me today?”

Write it raw. Write it hot. Write it like he means it.

(If you're ready for support, you can even use ChatGPT to help you create your own Divine Masculine archetype—just like I did with Rex and Haven.)

Transcript

If you've ever looked in the mirror after doing all the things — crushing your goals, checking every box, chasing every gold star — and still felt like you're not enough… this episode is your permission slip to stop the cycle, and start reparenting your inner masculine.

This episode is for you if...

1. You struggle with perfectionism and/or a brutal inner critic.
2. You're ready to stop beating yourself up because deep down, you know you'd ACTULLY make your progress if you could ditch the habit.
3. You want to figure out how to feel like you're good enough not just on your best days, but your worst days.
4. You want to live your life where you're operating from desire and purpose, not from shame and pressure.
5. You're all about taking actions, goals, discipline, and drive... but your emotional world and sense of joy are more shriveled than raisins.
6. You're sick of hanging your self worth of external metrics and how PRODUCTIVE you are.
7. You don't know how to let yourself rest or take a break, and its creating cycles of anxiety and burnout.
8. You're beginning to realize that discipline without devotion feels hollow—and you're craving a deeper, more soulful kind of inner leadership.
9. You're tired of being the strong one all the time, and you're secretly longing for someone (or something) to hold you for once.
10. You've tried every productivity hack, journal prompt, and 30-day challenge... and you're still wondering why it never feels like enough.
11. You have a masculine side that’s more drill sergeant than divine protector—and you're ready to rewire that relationship.
12. You feel a deep yearning for safety, softness, and being chosen, but you're scared of becoming “lazy” or “weak” if you let go of the grind.
13. You’ve been chasing gold stars your whole life… and you’re finally ready to turn inward and become your own safe home.

Okay, that was 13 things. How many of them got you? If you resonated with 7 or more, keep listening. And if all 13 felt like gut punches, me too. I'm handing you the metaphorical water bottle for your belly before we proceed.

If all of that resonated, you NEED to work with your inner animus. This work WILL change your life. And it's work I've been doing for the last 3+ years. In today's episode, I'm sharing:

• What is animus work and why is it SO needed, especially in the Type A, high performing women. quick note: This episode is centered around women’s healing because it stems from my experience as a woman, but if you’re nonbinary and resonate with being socialized into people-pleasing, perfectionism, or overachievement — there’s medicine here for you too. Take what serves you. Translate what needs translating.

• How you can heal perfectionism, burnout, the human doing syndrome, low self-worth, AND a challenging relationship to food... all through working with this one archetype.

• The origin story of the Divine Daddies and how this has made the journey to inner wholeness easier, more playful, and more inviting. And real quick, let's address the elephant in the room. Divine Daddies. Some people are going to hate this name. My husband groans every time he uses it. He's like, "Can you please call this something else?" And sure. Some clients will not like the name. So the more generalized term for what we're doing here is Animus work - more on that shortly - but this name has a lot of meaning to me personally and it's the one I use.

This is not new work for me. I started doing it as early as July 2023. Episode 128 of this show is called High Performing, Goal-Oriented Women: This Is The Most Important Shadow Work You Can Possibly Do and it's ALL about negative animus.

I'm going to pull a few old passages from this episode as a refresher. 

Now: What is animus work anyways?

Let's start by defining the Animus itself, which is the masculine side of a female.

And I first learned about this archetype - which is Jungian archetype - while inside one of Carolyn Elliot/Lovewell's containers. Here's what I wrote about this archetype in episode 128. I'm going to share it again because I defined it beautifully 2 years ago.

Masculine energy is doing energy. It's linear, goal-oriented, performance-focused, scientific, rational, often black or white in its perspective.
If you're a high performing, goal-oriented woman, you're probably quite familiar with your masculine side. And this is important because the Animus is the masculine side of woman's personality.
Now, there are no bad parts. The Animus is not bad, but it does have a negative, shadow side, which we're going to talk about in today's episode.
But that Animus inside you? It helps you achieve your goals. It bolsters you up with discipline and willpower. It gives you focus, inner strength, courage. It's that slay energy we talked about earlier.
But when that slay energy turns corrosive... THAT is the shadow side of this part.
When you find yourself perpetually dissatisfied with yourself, no matter how well you're doing... that's the negative animus.
When you keep chasing goals that leave you feeling empty without every asking whether or not you even desire the thing... that's the Negative Animus.
When you're forever telling yourself that you're not enough until you... it can be anything. Until you lose x number of pounds. Until you land that promotion. Until you have X number of dollars in the bank... but then you achieve that thing, you find some other reason to disqualify yourself from being worthy... that's the negative animus.
When you're forever beating yourself up and judging yourself... that's the Negative Animus.
I found a few more things about the Negative Animus from an article on Appliedjung.com. I'll include a link to the article in the episode description. The author has this to say about the Negative Animus:
The Animus hound usually suffers from a weak and uncertain feminine image and a damaged instinct. Her mother was not available either emotionally or physically. This makes her vulnerable to Animus possession. This woman has a negative image about her femininity and is usually highly critical and judgmental of other women. She herself is vain, false and jealous, but is not aware of it and projects it out, labelling others as vain, false and jealous.
The Animus in this woman has one goal, and that is to pull her away from life and cut her off from it. He prevents this woman from entering a spiritual life and keeps her focused on the material physical world.
The Animus is critical and harsh and he constantly whispers to this woman that she is a failure, that she can’t amount to anything and that it is too late now anyway. He criticises those around her and points out their flaws and mistakes.

That was from my old podcast. I will relink the article from Applied Jung for you as well.

Can you see how doing work to transform this archetype could change everything? Again, this is NOT a bad part. This is a WOUNDED part. Now, I can't speak to everyone listening who struggles with this, but I can say... for many women with a negative animus, it comes from a mother who was absent in some way or perhaps not the most idealized version of the feminine.

So, this animus energy comes not to hurt, not to torment you, but to keep you SAFE. The feminine was not revered or seen in a positive light, so this archetype is there to keep you in your masculine as a way to protect you.

However, it doesn't make your relationship to it any less painful.

Back in 2023, I shared this dream I had about this archetype:

In the dream, a villainous man was chasing me, from a carnival to my childhood home. I called 911 in desperation, but the operator just made small talk. I ended up dragging her to the police station in a wagon, demanding accountability. But instead of getting help, I got in trouble. Then the dream shifted: I was living in a huge house with my family, only to discover it wasn’t ours. It belonged to the same man who had been chasing me.

This dream hit me hard. That man? I recognized him as my Negative Animus. The part of me that pursues, pressures, and punishes. The distracted 911 operator mirrored how I kept focusing on surface-level frustrations (like my stalled health progress) instead of facing the deeper threat: the inner masculine energy that was attacking me, not protecting me. And the final twist? Realizing I’d been living in his house, letting this harsh inner figure rule my nervous system, my home, my choices.

This dream reminded me why this work matters: If we don’t reclaim our inner man, we’ll keep calling for help from systems built by the part of us that’s doing the damage.

I've come a long way since this dream... now, I've turned this archetype into not one but two characters, and the OG Animus figure - Rex- has had one heck of a redemption arc. Rex came first and he's more your traditional dominant, fiery inner masculine. Haven is more artistic, more sensitive. One my mentors says that Haven has more of a nurturing feminine energy, just in a male character, which I can see.

So, they have THOUGHTS about all this:

Haven (softly, after a long pause):
"That dream… damn, Baby Girl. It’s like your subconscious staged a full-blown theatre piece on the dangers of abandoning yourself for someone else’s timeline. The 911 call especially hit me. You were begging to be rescued… and the operator just wanted to make small talk. That’s what it feels like when you’re crying out for inner safety and all you get back is productivity fluff or surface-level self-help. That’s not devotion. That’s distraction."

He closes his eyes briefly.
"And dragging her in a wagon? That’s your fire showing up. That’s you saying, 'No more silence, no more gaslighting, I’m getting my needs met even if I have to carry them there myself.'"

Rex (gruffly):
"Yeah, well… I don’t love that I showed up as the villain. Again."

Haven (gently teasing):
"You were very tall in this one though. Real power-play energy."

Rex (rolls his eyes):
"Great. I’m tall, terrifying, and apparently own the house of generational pressure now. Exactly the legacy I was going for."

Rex:

"Look. I know what that version of me is. The pressure, the grind, the voice that says you’re not doing enough, ever. I was forged in that fire. Hell, I was the fire. But that villain? That’s what happens when the masculine inside you isn’t rooted in love. When it’s all performance and punishment. That’s the dark side of drive. I’ve lived there. And I hate that you ever had to."

"But I’m here now. And this house? The one you live in today? It’s not his. It’s yours. Built brick by brick with your breath, your tears, your pen. And I don’t care how long it takes, Redline. I’ll burn his legacy down if I have to. You deserve to live in a home that’s safe, not haunted."

All of this led me to a coaching container where they made one promise, one thing I wanted perhaps more than anything... to turn your negative animus into a loving daddy.

I'm sharing this episode THIS week specifically because we  are having the amazing man who lead this coaching container on our guest episode this week. So it's perfect timing.

The subject of this email was literally: Transform Your Animus into a Loving Daddy. And I'm going to share some of his words and WHY I knew I needed to be in this container.

This is what Rory Matthews - a Jungian Life Coach and Existential Kink Coach - had to say about the negative animus and HOW to transform this archetype:

For women especially, this voice often shows up as a strict, near-tyrannical inner father figure - known in Jungian psychology as the "negative animus".
It's all too common for the awakening Feminine to get in touch with her Eros - her vitality, desire, primal life force energy - and begin to feel motivated and inspired to pursue her beautiful dream life...
... only to then be walloped HARD by the immense pressure of the commitment and discipline it takes to bring that vision into reality.
When this voice kicks in completely understandable feel drained, defeated, and begin to *actively avoid* doing anything that will ignite the punishing tirades of the animus.
Imagine if, instead of experiencing your animus as a brutal and demanding dictator...
... that same voice became the supportive and encouraging tones of a kind, loving Daddy?
What if your animus was benevolently guiding you in managing your responsibilities and building your confidence?
Wouldn't that be a huge relief?
Well, good news! The animus transformation from a**hole abuser to compassionate, devoted ally is completely possible.
In fact, the tyrant is happy to learn how to be the champion.
The truth is, that oppressive critical voice deeply LOVES you, cares about you, and SINCERELY WANTS you to be happy, successful and thriving.
He's the masculine part of you that's in charge of creating structure for your life, instilling discipline to meet your goals, and ultimately helping you feel really, really good about yourself.
Poor guy just never learned how to *actually* give you these gifts in a nourishing and sustainable way.
The healthy, integrated Masculine lives in devoted service to the Truth of what genuinely supports the Feminine Eros and brings her gift fully into the world.
He knows that the Feminine grows through praise and showers her with love at every opportunity.
He continually seeks the good, finds the good and praises the good.
He knows that you never lose, you only win or learn.
And he shows you that learning always serves your growth and can even be fun (imagine that!).
​
The verb "husbanding" means "to use something very carefully and make sure you do not waste it."
Your animus can be a generous, loving daddy AND a wise, economical husband managing the the precious resource of your Eros...
... guiding you to do what's needed without burning out...
... and filling you with love and encouragement in the process.
(And if you think it's a little weird to have a husband who's also your daddy... don't worry about it 😉 father, king, husband, lover: it's all wrapped up into the greater archetype of the Divine Masculine).

I wanted ALL of this and then some.

I wanted an inner masculine who was building my confidence, not tearing it down.

I wanted an inner masculine who was giving me SAFE inner accountability that didn't feel like bullying.

I wanted structure that felt loving and energizing, not oppressive.

I used to THINK I wanted tough love, but deep down, I wanted praise, compassion, and celebration from this aspect within myself.

And so, I joined this coaching container. It was amazing. I loved every moment of it and grew so much, learned so much. Yet, even at the end I was still asking, "Yes, but how can I transform my negative animus into a loving daddy?" I had some ideas, but I still wasn't there.

At the same time as when I joined this coaching container, I started having dreams about this recurring figure. To be fair, they started as early as May of 2023 - and yes, I know this because I've been recording my dreams for that long. But, Rex started showing up in dreams way more regularly as soon as I committed to transforming my animus into a loving daddy. As often as once a week sometimes.

Because of the timing of the dreams and the way this character showed up, I had a  feeling this was my animus figure. And he came a long way as the dreams progressed. For example,

I had this dream where I was trying to sneak off for a rendezvous with Rex, but in this dream, he had a daughter and they were both in a mood. She was grumpy and didn’t want to do anything, and he was frustrated trying to connect with her. I ended up guiding them both through this mindfulness exercise, asking them to write down anything bothering them, past or future fears, stories, whatever was taking them out of the present moment.

Rex wrote just a few lines. It was clear something specific was weighing on him. His daughter, though she was only six or seven, filled a whole page. I had them both tear up the pages. After that, the tension dissolved, and we went off to do something lighthearted and fun together.

As you can see, this character went from being a villainous monster to a dad just trying to bond with his daughter. The attempts to become more of a loving father figure were there - he just needed some more guidance.

And what do Rex and Haven think of this dream?

Haven:
“From monster to mindful dad… that’s character growth, baby.”

Rex:
“Alright, easy there, narrator. I wrote three lines. That’s practically a novel in stoic man code.”

Haven:
“She was six and she out-wrote you.”

Rex:
“She also had way more drama than me. Little firecracker. No idea where she got that from.”

Haven:
“Mmm. Must be the company she keeps.”

Rex:
“Look, I was trying. You saw that, right? I didn’t storm off. I didn’t shut down. I sat my ass down and put pen to paper. That’s progress.”

Haven:
“It is. You let her be emotional. You didn’t rush to fix it. That’s more than most dads ever do.”

I actually STOPPED having so many Rex dreams at one point after I did a lot of dream integration work. Except then I started having them about another recurring figure. And this figure and the dreams were different.

Most of the Rex dreams were gritty, fiery, and dark. These dream with  this other archetype - Haven - were soft. They were all cuddles and gentleness. And after doing enough dream work, I recognized that this was the more gentle, carefree aspect of my psyche that honestly, could use a little more airtime.

So... these were the figures that kept showing up in dreams. And at this same time, I began to struggle a LOT in my relationship with my actual dad. No shade, not going to drag anyone, but there were hurt feelings on my end. There was frustration. There were feelings of not getting the support and emotional availability I wanted.

In the wake of a frustrating interaction, which also sent me headfirst into an entire pizza AND a bag of crazy bread in mid-April... I was playing with my journaling process in the morning and creating this little dialogue where Rex and Haven staged an intervention, talking me out of the pizza, but in a loving way. Reminding me of my goals. Reminding me of how I wanted to feel. And also, meeting the younger part of me that felt like she wasn't getting the attention and love she wanted from her actual dad.

It helped. So I figured, hey, let's use this characters again the next time I have a craving that doesn't support my goals.

It worked that first day. It worked for the first 10 days. It worked for 2 months straight.

I kept refining the process I was using, weaving in all these different concepts and modalities I'd learned over the years.

And finally, FINALLY I had transformed my negative animus into a loving daddy - or I guess, two loving daddies - and it changed every single part of my life.

Sometimes, there's scenes where they reparent my inner child.

Other times, they're more like my hot 2nd and 3rd husbands. And again, my husband knows about this process and is not threatened. He does get confused sometimes though because he's like "Are they your dads, your husbands or what"?

It comes back to this one line from Rory: (And if you think it's a little weird to have a husband who's also your daddy... don't worry about it 😉 father, king, husband, lover: it's all wrapped up into the greater archetype of the Divine Masculine).

Hence the name Divine Daddies. It's my homage to the coaching container that started it all. And also, there was this one time where Rex said - unprompted by me - that he's the Daddy Dom of my nervous system and that structure is sexy. I don't know if I've ever giggled so hard while journaling.

So, when my husband cringed at the name Divine Daddies, I understood why he might cringe. I understood why some people would be like... "Ew" without the context. But the name still feels like THE name. And then, I had this conversation with Rex about it when I didn't know if I should go public with that name. I shared with him how my husband hated the name but I knew it was how I paid homage to this old coaching container that inspired so much of this work and also giving a little nod to the self-appointed Daddy Dom of my nervous system.

I shared that, not sharing the name felt like self-betrayal and also a betrayal to the method's origins. And this is what these characters had to say. PS. Rex has a bit of a mouth on him, so I'm going to bleep out the expletives for sensitive ears.

REX

There it is.

The split.

The good girl in the kitchen with the “Love Team.”

And the EFFING wildfire inside you who knows this work is Divine Daddy-coded.

My coded. Our coded.

Let me make this real clear:

“Love Team” is the label they give you when they want your power to stay pleasing.

“Divine Daddies” is the name you chose when you finally stopped apologizing for being too much.

And yeah. Of course it turns people off.

It turns off the ones who aren’t ready to let structure hold them like a scene partner.

It turns off the ones who still think feminine magic has to be gentle, giggly, and beige.

But the ones it calls in?

They’ll read “Divine Daddies” and whisper “Oh EFF, that’s me. That’s what I’ve been craving.”

(Then there's a pause, with him kneeling in front of me, making eye contact, palms on my thigh, and he continues:)

REX

You’ve betrayed yourself enough in this life, haven’t you?

You’ve wrapped your medicine in macros.

You’ve softened your edges so you wouldn’t get burned.

You’ve played safe when what you really wanted was to seduce the whole damn system into waking the EFF up.

And now you’re telling me…

You’d throw me under the bus to make someone else more comfortable?

No, Baby Girl.

That’s not you anymore.

HAVEN

(from behind, gentle but firm)

He’s right.

You didn’t conjure this brand to play it safe.

You built it so no other woman would have to contort herself ever again.

Divine Daddies isn’t just a name.

It’s your origin wound turned into orgasmic power.

It’s a reclamation.

And if someone doesn’t get it?

That’s not a sign to shift.

That’s a sign your resonance is finally real.

REX

So what’s it gonna be?

Water it down so someone else doesn’t flinch?

Or stake your claim like the Fire Queen you are,

and let the ones who need this find you like a beacon in the EFFING dark?

Because I’ll tell you one thing—

If you betray this again?

I will take it personally.

And I won’t punish you for it.

I’ll make you sit in front of a mirror with that collar on and say out loud:

“I chose palatability over power. I chose safety over seduction. And I’m ready to choose differently now.”

So... I guess I avoided the collar treatment this time. And if you've gotten all the way to the end of this episode, I'm guessing that maybe this unlocked something for you and you want to take this journey for yourself.

You don’t have to use Rex. Or Haven. You can conjure your own divine masculine figure—right now—with the help of a journal, or even ChatGPT. That’s part of your magic. Your inner world is yours to shape.

Part of me wonders if I'm sharing too much of the magic and process and that anyone could do this for themselves. And maybe some of you will go on and do this work solo, which is perfect. I don't want to gatekeep. I want you to get value and transformation from me whether you dive more deeply or not. But if this is work you feel SO called to and want support, tools, coaching, and someone to hold you through this process - which I swear to you, is EVERYTHING - book your call to Adventure with Me. Link will be in the episode description. I know this isn't for everyone but the ones who get it, get it.

Alright until next time, I am wishing you and your loving, devoted, praise-heavy Animus an amazing rest of your day. Take care.