215. From Survival Mode To Self-Leadership: Parts Work & Core Values With Danielle Z
215. From Survival Mode To Self-Leadership: Parts Work & Core Values With Danielle Z
In today’s episode of the Embodied Writing Warrior Podcast, Kayla welcomes Danielle Z—licensed therapist, coach, and passionate parts-work practitioner—for a deep conversation on healing, regulation, and building a life that actually feels good.
Danielle breaks down the difference between therapy and coaching by introducing the concepts of “inward” and “forward” work. Therapy helps us go inward—healing past wounds, regulating the nervous system, and identifying stuck parts. Coaching moves us forward—once we’ve reached our “zero,” we can begin taking aligned action toward our goals. Danielle is building a model that integrates both.
They dive into Internal Family Systems (IFS), explaining the difference between the core self, protective parts (managers and firefighters), and exiles. Kayla and Danielle explore how survival mode often masquerades as “success,” especially for high-achieving women—and how recognizing dissociation, anxiety, and over-performance is key to shifting toward health and wholeness.
Another powerful concept discussed? Core values. Danielle believes that once we identify and align with our personal values—free from social or familial programming—we can begin to live on purpose, with clarity and internal peace.
✨ Key Takeaways:
The difference between therapy and coaching: inward vs. forward work
Signs you're living in survival mode (and why success might be a disguise)
How IFS can help you understand your parts and return to your core self
Why naming emotions as "I feel" instead of "I am" is game-changing
How core values can serve as an internal compass for aligned living
This episode is for anyone feeling stuck in overdrive or overwhelmed by constant self-development. It’s a reminder that growth doesn’t have to be heavy—and sometimes, 15 seconds of breath is all it takes to start again.
Embodied Activation
This week’s embodied challenge, gifted by Danielle Z, is a powerful language reframe to support emotional regulation and self-leadership:
When you notice an emotional reaction, pause and say:
“I feel [emotion]”
Instead of:
“I am [emotion]”
For example:
💭 “I feel anxious” instead of “I am anxious.”
💭 “I feel overwhelmed” instead of “I am overwhelmed.”
This simple shift helps you stay connected to your core self, rather than over-identifying with transient emotional states.
You are not your anxiety, your sadness, or your frustration—you’re the one witnessing and holding it with compassion.
Try this for the next few days and notice how it changes your relationship to your inner world.
Links Mentioned
Transcript
Kayla: Hello Danielle and welcome to the Embodied Writing Warrior Podcast.
Danielle: Thank you so much, Kayla. I'm so honored to be here as your guest. I'm so excited to talk to you.
Yeah, I'm excited to talk to you as well. So, for our listeners, I was on Danielle's podcast, feeling and Healing, and I'll link that episode in the description and we have hit it off so well.
And Danielle is gonna bring so much magic to this episode.
Danielle: Aw, you're, you're being too kind. But yeah, we definitely connected on, you know, the parts work that is a, you know, I go back, I'm a parts girl, I just, the internal family systems and I know your, your model of therapy and I love that you've made it more playful and just more fun because the connotation I feel like with the, like therapy and healing is like, it doesn't have to be heavy.
Exactly. I am definitely on the same page. So think of therapy. One of the things that is so cool about you is you are studying to be a therapist and you're also a coach. I am. So can you share about balancing those two worlds? Because they're both so important and for very different reasons. And it's beautiful that you can support people with both.
Well, thank you. And actually as I'm doing my work with my clients, I'm actually hoping to create a new category similar to how you're creating a new model. Is that I'm finding. So with therapy, it's a, like, and I love both worlds to, first of all, like I love both worlds that I live in. I get to, with therapy, it's a lot of looking inward.
It's so if I look at like, at like your, like a scale of somebody, it's getting you to, to zero. So you're probably in the negative and whatever reason you come to therapy, it could be for, you know, a, a mental disorder, you're feeling anxious or what, whatever, whatever it is. But you work at, with a therapist to get to your zero.
So we go in inward. It's all inner work inward. A lot of healing, a lot of processing of emotions. We sit there as long as. It takes, but with coaching, so once you get to zero, that's when my, I always say forward. So there's inward and forward. That's when coaching, you're at your zero. You're like, all right, I feel good about myself.
I feel like I'm in a safe place to move forward and take the steps. That's when the coaching hat comes on. And I challenge you a little bit and I also challenge people in therapy too. I think there's a, I think also too, I just, Kayla, I wanna mention like, it all depends on the therapist you work with or the coach you work with.
I know a lot of therapists that, you know, I'm, we're very trained to. I'm very trained to stay in the present and to process current things going on in therapy where another therapist might be really, really interested in, you know, diagnosing you and stuff like that. Like, that's not how I'm trained.
I'm trained to look at you as a whole and as a system. So I will look at an individual very different than a, LPC or a social worker would. And then yeah, with coaching, I do think, I'm trying to define, so it's funny you mentioned that there is a gap, or not a gap, but there is like when you hand the baton, when you're on the track, you know that baton and I'm like trying to connect that.
I love working with people that are in that, in between. 'cause that's where the magic happens.
I think you touched on something beautiful and that's this concept of inward and forward and how valuable both of those are. Yeah, because I think there's one of two tendencies.
There's the people who almost refuse to look inwards, 'cause happened a long time ago and they try to take the action, but it's from this very wounded, frozen in time place, which is not helpful. But then there's. The tendency, I think some people have to just be in therapy and kind of spin and spin and spin.
Without that. And now what's next? So I love that you're creating your own almost category of one, which is very cool.
Yeah. Like similar to what you're doing with kind of like IFS, like I'm not, these concepts aren't, you know, they're there, they're in the world. Somebody else was like, yeah, like of course inner work.
Very universal coaching moving forward, growing very universal. But as I said, I'm working in both populations because I have feet in both areas. I'm like, there definitely is a middle ground here. We're like, you know, you're not, you're ready to move forward, but you don't, and as you said, like my goal as a therapist and a coach, I actually was just having a call with somebody about this.
I'm not supposed to be with you forever, but if that's what you want. Cool. So for instance, I know for me personally, I will always have a therapist. Just talk therapy really works for me from an emotional processing perspective. Also I probably talk to my therapist about different things than the average client does because of my work.
So I think all therapists should have therapists. I think it's a necessity. I think to not only just from a mental health, self-care, grace perspective, but also to know what it's like for their clients. I think you really need to know what it's like to be on the other side of the couch, if you will, the proverbial couch to really know what it feels like to be your client.
I totally agree. I think it's similar to if you're in the coaching world, to be in some type of mentorship. Mm-hmm. Yourself as well. So it, again, it keeps that a, the growth going and then you're also embodying what you're wanting your clients to do as well on some level.
I will agree with you. I've invested, I actually have two business coaches right now, so I'm like, I have a team, like behind me is three people, therapist, two coaches.
There's people behind me like helping me and pushing me like I can't, and I'm all about, there's no shame or stigma in asking for help, like. Both my business coaches try to help me intuitive him in very different areas. One is helping me with systems. The other is helping me with brand. And I've always been a proponent of, I don't want too many cooks in the kitchen, but I like to see things from different perspectives.
That's the nature of a therapist because they see my blind spots, you know what I mean? 'Cause we all have them. We all have areas where like, we're like, I'm like, sometimes my business coach will be like, why aren't you doing this? I'm like, oh my God, you're right.
Like, well, how come I couldn't see that? Because you're so, as you know, being, an entrepreneur and a coach and a writer, you get, you're pulled in every direction.
Very true. And you never know what you don't know and Exactly. There's so many valuable people out there who have that outside perspective.
I know there's times when someone has asked me for a piece of advice and I give them it, and they're like. We never thought of that. And that's happened to me when I've gotten advice so many times as well. So I love that. We're both so in alignment about the power of investing in ourselves and in our growth over the long term.
Well, it's funny you mentioned that because I think, and this is like kind of what my programs, focus on. If you don't invest in yourself, how do you expect to get a return? Like, I hate to use such a cold metaphor or like a logical metaphor, but think about it like the stock market.
If you're not in the game, you're not gonna get a return. So if you wanna grow and you want to, change heel, whatever, fill in the blank. You need to put in the work and also invest in it. It's an investment. It's lifelong.
Not lifelong, you need to have a coach or a therapist, but if you want to continue to grow, making progress is a lifelong, like there, like it, it stops when you unfortunately pass away. That's when the timer stops.
But it never, there's never like, all right, I got here. For me personally. I'll always be climbing the mountain. I'm never gonna stop. I will stop sometimes and sit on my perch and be like, oh wow, look how far I've come and enjoy the moment.
Of course. But I'm never gonna be done. Like the mountain is never gonna, I'm never gonna get to the other side. I'm like always gonna be climbing it.
Kayla: Yes. And I have a feeling that is most, if not all of the listeners as well, high performing. Oh, that's
amazing.
Goal oriented. I love that. Very driven.
And I think one of the challenges with this particular population is they can actually get stuck in this bit of a survival mode. Yeah. And I know that is work that you do with many of your people. So can you talk about, someone might know if they're in survival mode.
Danielle: Absolutely. So, and it's funny, I actually just posted about this on Instagram today in one of my reels.
Survival mode feels like and looks like success. Like what? For, you know, like what society tells us. Like, you know, even honestly today, Kayla, I had to stop myself because I noticed I was moving really fast. I was writing emails and I was like, oh my god, Danielle, like in that one email, you got these dates wrong.
And I was like, you need to stop, pause. And I did literally like. Maybe 15, seconds of like just deep breathing just did a little reset. But that, so for, I think it's different for everybody, but the, I would say the most general signs that I hear from my clients and I know for myself is just like, you feel like that you're on a hamster wheel.
I hear that all the time. Like, I'm on this hamster wheel and I can't get off of it. You feel like you're always on, and that you can't like, relax your mind. You also relaxing and calming down. Feels like foreign to you. Like you feel like you always like need to be producing, need to be performing.
It's like, I guess like that hyper vigilance, state and I mean yes, day to day. Like of course I, your might have hours that you go through this, but it is, it becomes a pattern. So like, it's like you get stuck in this. This rut and you know, you feel it. I mean, your body will tell you. I've been having a lot of conversations lately, and I'm sure you know too from the work that you do, like your body will, it'll come out in anxiety, frustration, stress, you know, your body will be like you might not be sleeping well, I say that all the time to people, you know, when you're stuck in survival mode.
I've been stuck in survival mode and my sleep was, my sleep was so off.
Even things like getting sick all of a sudden outta nowhere. Or like your immune system. Yep. Or inexplicable fatigue when you're like, but I slept well, but it's this early in the day, like, what's going on?
Kayla: So these are some really. Powerful points to make and if someone does notice, they're in this place of survival mode on the hamster wheel over attached to productivity and performance. What are some of the ways you help them come back out of that survival mode?
Danielle: Yeah, so what the first thing I do with my clients, the first thing before we even are like, get you out.
I regulate, we need to regulate your nervous system. So we do. I want to understand the connection they have to their body. That is super important. 'cause our brains, our minds are one thing like, you know, but our bodies. I've been saying this like all the time. The, I think it Vessels V whatever his name is, Bessel von Dirk.
Vander needs to like give me like a, an, I dunno, some sort of stipend for how much I'm promoting his book, even though it's been promoted. But your body keeps the score. So if you have been in survival mode for a long time, depending on, who I'm working with, we have to really regulating could take a month because you have to, you know.
You know, I do a lot of breath work, affirmations, meditations, just a lot of, I would say general reflective exercises to kind of see where their baseline is. But I is getting you out of survival mode before even talking about, you know, let's move forward. As I kinda mentioned, even though it's not therapy, that looking inward and that gaining that awareness, that's the key.
Because a lot of people the first conversations that I have, they do feel like they're not at the point of collapse. They don't feel right. Everything is right on the outside, but something on the inside isn't right.
And I'm like, well, that's where we have to look. You have to gain that awareness of yourself first and that takes self-reflection, it takes inner work, it takes, you know, all of that. So that's the first step that I take. To get people kind of like to that baseline because, we can't move forward if you can't do that.
Unfortunately.
Yes. Because then if you do try and add more tasks, that's only going to make the survival mode more entrenched and more painful I would imagine.
Absolutely. And it's so funny 'cause I know I've introduced you to him, but Jesse Holmes, I did a podcast with him.
And we did an interview swap on, Instagram. He is a high performance coach that focuses on clarity, flow, and leverage. And he had this amazing quote that I was like, oh my God, that's so right. He's like, clarity is, 90% implementation? 10% information so we're not adding on like in this first step.
Like it's not, what more can I do to, you know, to get out of the survival mode. It's what actually, what is, can we take away some things? Can we rearrange some things in your life working with your parts? We'll say that is part top, pun intended of this first step is looking at your core self. Do you know your parts?
Like, do you even know what parts work it? I mean, it's a very like, you know, educational, like I know you probably experienced when people are like, like they're like, I have these parts. 'cause it, if you're in survival mode, you're basically running off of a manager or a fighter. Fighter, a protective part, always.
You're not, you're not your core self. So I really try to work with people to get them back to their core. Mm-hmm.
Kayla: Yes. I had the most fun when I worked at my door building factory. So a lot of people that would have no idea what parts work is, and then trying to explain it to them in a way they understood and like using these.
Perfect analogies that were like customized to every person to the door.
Yeah,
it's so much fun. For anyone who isn't super familiar with parts, can you explain the distinction between the core self, a manager and the firefighter?
Danielle: Sure. So, and though also I did not make this up.
Full disclosure, Richard Schwartz love him. Like would love to meet him one day. He's just like, he is the, he's the founder of what we call Internal family Systems, which is for those of you who don't know, marriage and family therapists, we call them. We call ourselves NFTs around potential MFT. We are trained to think very systemically.
So even as an individual, when I work with an individual in therapy, 'cause I'm trained to work with families, couples, and individuals, we look at the person as if they were a. System. So you have your core self, which, I believe there's eight C's. I think it's like calm, connected, confident, compassionate.
I'm missing, I know I'm missing like four of them, but it's basically at your core, like at your truest, most authentic self. You feel grounded, clear. Like that, you know who you are, that's your core self. So then you have also your protective parts. So your protective parts, as you know, Kayla, are they're going to protect you.
If you are in a state of fear, you feel you sense a threat. And you have two protective parts, which are called manager. Which managers just are like, run in to keep, like they're, I would say like, they're kind of like the brain, like, they're gonna keep you, they wanna keep you safe and in survival.
Like they're not worried about anything, but they could come out in any situation that maybe you're experiencing some stress. I mean, managers come out as, like, for me, a manager is definitely like a little bit of like a humming anxiety.
Then you have your firefighters, which like the name suggests, are the first responders and they, excuse my French, but get outta there like a bat outta hell. When something happens in your life where you're experiencing something, they're reactive.
Like it could be come out, a firefighter could come out as LA projection, lashing out at somebody. Maybe you had a frustrating day and you're keeping that, you know. And then that comes out as your part, you know, that you lash out on somebody you're having a conversation with. And then finally you have, these are the ones that people don't like to talk about, but I think they're, some of the most powerful work you can do are your exiles and your exiles.
I like to say they kill them. Exiles could keep 'em in the basement. 'cause they're, they're very wounded parts. And normally, I mean, I'm sure as you know. A lot of times they're your inner child wounds and your core wounds that have not been given healing. So that's like a little summary of, I guess, the makeup, the just general structure of internal family systems and how Richard Schwartz designed it.
Of course, it goes pretty deep to parts talking to themselves it can get very, you know, if you think of yourself as all the parts I have, just thinking about my roles and then thinking about all my emotions that I tie to those roles that I have in life.
Like your parts are like, there's so many parts of me.
And I can absolutely see how doing parts work and creating that sense of unity in that core self is one of the most powerful ways to get out of survival mode. Because I imagine having all these divisive parts with different goals, different motives, is going to slow you down.
It's gonna erode your energy, yourself trust, and it's going to be one of the. Probably the biggest things that keeps you in that survival mode. Would you agree?
Oh, absolutely. And also too, I wanna just say like firefighters, even though I said it like this can come out like, and not like to like. Also as like numbing behaviors.
Mm-hmm. So if you have a, you know, if you're going through something very stressful and like, I too, like no judgment, whatever works for you with stress, but if you are using substances like no one's, again, no judgment. I, I like to have a good time and drink socially and, you know, whatever. But if you're using a substance to numb something, to escape something that's a firefighter, it like, might be a subtle thing, but.
You're, that's a firefighter and people don't recognize that like, you know what I mean? And then also too, I always go back to and as an MFT and as, somebody who is seeing clients right now is at a site, is a nonprofit. My clinical supervisor is all about impact.
So what impact. Are these parts having on your life? If it's getting to the point of, I always say like, what You can tell you're in survival mode. When also too, when your relationship with yourself is negatively impacting other relationships. So maybe you're fighting with your spouse a lot. Maybe you're really short-tempered with your kids.
No, that's a sign that something isn't right in you and what's getting you out of survival mode and actually living your life and giving you the tools to live your life like in a fulfilling way.
I'm not saying I was definitely in a survival mode state, but I recognized it. I did something small, it took 15 seconds to get me out of it. I'm not saying you're never gonna be in survival mode again, that's not the goal of this is to manage through it so you don't get to that point.
Like, I hate that in the mental health world. It just seems that so many people get to that point of collapse, like depression, anxiety, panic attacks. We should not be getting to that place. There are things we can do as, you know, to, you know, to, to mitigate that.
'cause it breaks my heart that people have to experience that.
Kayla: Absolutely. So in addition to those micro breaks of taking deep breaths, what are some of the other best practices for helping someone with the survival mode piece as well as, yeah, we've already talked about parts, so that's a big one.
Danielle: That's a big one. My other huge one, this is huge. Like the, like parts is big for me and, but this is probably even bigger than parts, which you can imagine core values. So everything that I. I, that is the one thing, like if you have them already, we work on them, but a lot of people, it's very surprising how many people come to me and I'm like, they're like, I never would've thought about it like that.
I'm like, well, a lot of people that I work with are in corporate America and I'm like, you know in your company that they have core values and that those things hanging on the conference room, like you need them for yourself too. I make sure that every single decision you make by the time you're done working with me, every single decision, every single choice.
Every nuance in your life, whether it's responding to an email, to a text message, talking to somebody aligns with your core values and what you believe in. 'cause that misalignment creates a disconnect, which then perpetuates a really bad pattern. And that's that uncomfortable feeling. And that's what people don't like.
And a lot of people. And that's a big thing too. And with even before core values, it's like. What do you want? What do you believe in? Like, and let's forget about what society told you. Forget about what your parents told you. Forget about what your best friend thinks.
What do, how do you want to live your life? And then we go from there like, and then I found in my life personally and also the people that I work with, once you define that and then live by that, and of course core values can change. I mean, there's different. Levels and versions of ourselves. But for the most part, like I've found, if you have a core, like, you know, I have four, that I don't think I'm ever, maybe I'll add on more, but I don't think they're ever gonna not be my core views because they're pretty core to myself.
And once you start living in that truth, that's when we can start moving forward and being very forward thinking and like, all right, so you have this core value. How does that behavior that you're doing align with X core value? So that's when we kind of do the mapping back to the core value, which, you know, you have to, there's a lot of, deconditioning like kind of rewiring your brain a little bit to get you to.
Where you wanna go.
Kayla: Absolutely. Because I imagine before this core value mapping and before bringing more awareness to it, people are almost making decisions from a knee jerk reaction or, yep. Reactive autopilot almost. So I imagine it takes a while to get them out of that autopilot mode.
Danielle: Oh, 100%. I always like to say, I take you from being passive to purposeful.
Like I. Want you to live your life with intention, with choice, with purpose, with being truly present. Like I also teach people how to set boundaries. You have to set internal boundaries with yourself to preserve your inner peace.
And that's where I wanna get people like this. This life is full of so much content. We're stimulated so much like we're, I hope people know our bodies and our brains. Were not built for this world. We live in as sophisticated and complex and beautiful. We are as human beings.
Our biology was not built for this.
Kayla: Absolutely. It's a lot between social media, phones, like all the digital stuff, and I notice when I'm on the computer way too much or on the phone too much in a day. Yeah, and I think it's just such a common thing to be on the technology so often, which is a little challenging for our nervous systems.
Danielle: Yeah, and I'm not saying technology is bad, of course. Like we wouldn't be sitting here having a podcast. I would've never met Kayla if it wasn't for technology. So I think it's a beautiful thing, but like everything in moderation, ice cream is great in moderation, you know what I mean?
Here's your mental health diet. We need to dissociate sometimes, like I will say shamelessly, like my dissociation is Southern charm on Bravo.
Judge me, I don't care. I just, when I feel like I wanna be, do not like my mindless act. I just put on that show and I'm just like, I just like, I just makes me happy. Like for that short little, and I know it's not adding any. Depth to my life. But for that like hour of that week, I'm like, that's my little vacation to be like, oh, what's Craig doing?
What's, what are these people doing with their lives? Like, that's fun. Like what's shep up to? It's so silly. But it's my little playtime, you know?
Yes. And you touched on something that is so beautiful and that's it. Sometimes you do need to dissociate.
Kayla: Yeah. Sometimes you're allowed to check out. I think where a lot of people can run into trouble, especially like those high performing, high achieving type A people, they feel like they can never check out, never disassociate. And I feel like that alone can put you into survival mode.
Danielle: Well, yeah. 'cause they also too know that like, I mean, you know this too from work you've done like.
You're, we like, we run off of emotions and patterns and we're cyclical beings. So if you are continu, you're on this, like hamster wheel. If you don't get off of it, you will burn. I mean, the negative of staying in survival mode is extreme burnout.
I mean, that's the beginning of it. And then that could also lead to mental disorders, you know, depression. It's what, however it shows up in your body. But actually like was just, like, reading about, I followed him, the owner of, I think Blake McKowski, his name is the owner of Tom's Shoes.
He just came back in the media because he. Said, he's like, I had a major depressive, mental breakdown, like we think about CEO, very prominent person and he actually is now he has a new podcast. He's starting about mental health and empowering people to heal and to take the time to.
Like not be on the hamster wheel, and it's really empowering. And I was like, wow. Like that's ama like, but like I never would've, 'cause I always think like, oh yeah, this guy who created Toms and has such a awesome mission and where he was like, I al he said, he was like, I almost died. He was like, that's how bad my mental health got.
And he was like, I almost lost my life because, you know, I. It got that bad. So like, and I never, I always say to people like I feel, especially with therapy, I know you mentioned too therapy versus coaching, but I hate that a lot of times as a therapist, people, that's their work.
They're coming to us as like a last resort. And I'm like, mm-hmm. Therapy is not. Like the medical model right? I always say, therapy is like an oil change. 'Cause life is gonna happen.
Life is gonna give you breakdowns. But my goal as a therapist is to give you the tools so yeah, it might not hurt as much or you can process it and then. Move on. You know, I'm not saying don't process it 'cause you need to process your emotions, but just to give you that toolbox to be like, all right, this is coming at me right now.
I have this tool, I can fix it with that. Not saying don't fix it, but like, you know, address it at the moment. And I just hate that we live in a world now that like when people ask for help, it's like so dire. And I'm like, ugh. Like if only you would've came here earlier, you know what I mean?
And not to say I would never, I would always help people, but when you see people in crisis, I mean, it's impact. It has an impact on me as a healer. Um,
Kayla: I could imagine. Part of that is they're coming to you in that crisis, so you can only imagine how long they've been suffering for
if they'd come earlier, they could have. Gotten some of those tools, gotten some of that healing earlier and avoided a lot of that suffering that came afterwards.
Danielle: Yeah, I mean, and I'll say like that's another, like where there's pain, there is growth. But as you said, it gets to that point of like, and I'm not, you know, sometimes it could be the reasons are, you know, obviously there's still is a stigma.
That's why I went in the path that I went in because I was like, I wanna be part of the movement that breaks the stigma because I have had my own struggles with anxiety and depression, and I, I will tell you, you need help.
Whether it is a support system, whether it is a therapist, whether it's a coach, whether it's a somatic healer, whatever, it's astrologist, fill in the blank. Whatever works for you when you're in that dark place. You need somebody to help you out. There is no shame in asking for any help whatsoever because, we have, so many resources, you know what I mean?
Like as I just mentioned, a lot of them, you know what I mean? It's so sad to me that some people feel like they have to be so alone in that suffering just because of. Potential shame or what people will think we all need help. There's no shame in needing help.
Kayla: Mm-hmm.
I think that capacity to ask for help is one of the biggest growth edges a person can have. And it's not always easy, but it is so rewarding.
Danielle: Yeah, no. I mean, even me, like we were just talking before the call, like as an entrepreneur, like, when do I let go of some things and delegate.
Like there are some things that I do delegate, like of course, like I'm still very ingrained in my business, but I'm at the point where I'm like, all right, do I need to hire, I was just talking to somebody, she's like, oh yeah, my online manager takes care of that. I was like, I'm not there yet, but I can't wait till I am 'cause it'll free me.
Like it'll free me up. You know, but as a business owner, you wear so many hats, but it's like, you even get, you know, that happens in business. It's not just, it happen in mental health, it happens in your daily life. Just asking for help, for support, and there's no shame in it. How would people ever get anything accomplished if they just had to do it all by themselves? They wouldn't.
Kayla: Exactly. And I think that one of the most important parts of our life, and I think there was a guest I talked to about this earlier this month, and she talked about how the number one determinant of our, our happiness is our relationships.
Yeah. And one of the best ways to build relationships is to get support. And give support. Yeah. So there's that balance in life. So this isn't just about. Growing. It's also about enhancing your happiness by making your relationship stronger.
Danielle: I wholeheartedly agree as a relational therapist. And it's funny, I've seen a lot of things recently about like mental health and I am reading a book right now, it's called Bad Therapy by Abigail Schreyer.
And the concept, and the reason why I'm reading it is 'cause basically she's a journalist, she is not a therapist or a mental health professional. She's a journalist and then has, you know, not a novelist and her stance, and she's interviewed a bunch of child psychologists parents, children, what have you.
And her stance is that he's, she's like, if there is more help than ever before, you know, 'cause right now we live, you know, there's, you know, psych, there's, heal, you know, therapy, somatic work, like spiritual work. Obviously the medical model, there's still prescription psychiatry. Why are we still in a mental health crisis, especially with our children?
And it seems to be getting worse. Mind you, I'm not through the whole book yet, but her main premise is, which I, I, you know, I, I kind of, I kindly kind of disagree with, but that's why I'm reading it 'cause I wanna see a different perspective that the mental health model and mental health professionals are actually a lot to blame because as you said in the beginning, like, you know, with the therapy, like sometimes you can sit in that.
Emotional state and kind of just spin. And she's like, kind of like we're giving them reasons to be anxious and depressed when like, there is no reason, like, you know what I mean? It's just part of life. But by going to therapy, it kind of like highlights that, which I have a, you know, controversial opinion of.
But I think it's interesting to think about it because, you know, it's, she's kind of flipping it on its edge and being like, well, asking for help is hurting us.
And it's like, I would disagree.
Kayla: I would disagree also, I think that's a very. Simplified version of a very complex, complex problem. Complex, complex with a lot of factors.
Danielle: Yeah. And I think that's something that I actually was talking to people earlier this week, like with healing and even with my own journey, is like healing is so complex.
It's not just one thing. It's mind, it's body, it's parts, it's soul, it's spirit. It's a holistic approach to, and if you improve and build those relationships, and as you said, your external relationships, absolutely.
But if you build those relationships and in that interconnectedness within yourself, you'll feel like a million dollars. But I'm with you too, with about relationships, being what makes your life rich. 'cause at the end of the day, we're all going to the same place
we're all not gonna be in these suits anymore. Human flesh suits as somebody I know calls them. And, our relationships and that, connection is what makes our lives rich. So I wholeheartedly agree with the guests that you were talking with, that having good relationships is really important in your life.
Kayla: Absolutely. So Danielle, I have had so much fun chatting with you. Two more questions. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Always. I always get my guests to give the listener some kind of an embodied challenge. Okay. So it can be breath work, it can be parts work challenge, it can be anything you wanna give them After listening to this episode.
Danielle: My little tip would be when you're having an emotional reaction, stop. And say, I feel this. And do not say, I am this. I want to define this now that an I am statement and an I feel statement are very different. I think people sometimes say like, I am anxious, I am fearful, no, you're feeling that's what you're feeling.
So I want people to start when they're feeling an emotion to acknowledge it and instead of going to an I Am. 'cause it's very easy to say I am but that defines your identity. So start incorporating I feel statements and see if you notice a difference in your presence in your self.
That is the perfect challenge for the Embodied Writing Warrior podcast because you're getting them to rewrite their relationship with their own states, which is so powerful.
It's so simple too. 'cause trust me, I get caught up in it too. Like I'll be like, oh I'm really, I like I'm I'll tell myself my inner voice, but when you're talking like words are powerful, so you to make that little distinction makes all the difference.
Kayla: Definitely. Thank you so much for that. And when listeners want to connect with you further, what are the best ways for them to do so?
Danielle: So I am everywhere. You can go to my website, danielle z mft.com. I am mostly active. I would say Instagram is probably the best place. Dan, at danielle dot z dot mft.
Also Facebook, my YouTube channel Feeling and healing. I'm on, LinkedIn, X, you name it, I'm on it. So it's all Danielle, ZMFT is my handle on all those, platforms.
Kayla: Amazing. And thank you again for hanging out with us today.
Danielle: Thank you so much for having me, Kayla. Always a pleasure.
